In The Flow

Hello lovely peeps,

It’s MOVING TO SHEFF DAY!!! Eeeeek

It’s all I’ve been going on about! I know now that it’s true that once you relax, (harder than it sounds) ‘something’ larger than us shows us the way to what feels like home.

With this I say I feel a certain warmth within me, a natural connection to ‘a flow’, ‘the flow’ – fuck knows how I explain this to you but what I can say is: I’m in total wonderment with how far I’ve travelled, how hard I manifested to be here. To be shown the way.

The warmth I guess comes from knowing that I am exactly where I need to be, divine timing gave me a passion in life, it showed me why I am the way I am and at this moment I’m present, here, talking to you, so content with the path I created.

Tomorrow may be different, but right now I don’t know about that so why worry!

I’ve realised lately that I am learning lessons rapidly. I notice each one & they keep on coming. Like so many things in my life my passion for my impact on myself, the world & spirituality came to me young. As soon as I grasped this, my calling and passion for Sociology found me too.

I feel so incredibly lucky to have this power so early. This summer I worked in an office doing admin work. I realised exactly how soul destroying and tedious life can be when you are spending each day carrying out a process that you don’t even understand. How frustrating it can be and how it actually strips away your power and in even a short period I noticed this.

Sooo, this experience offered me a rich insight into life in the working world, society & its complexities. Why do we settle knowing we are capable of more? People feel stuck, trapped because they simply need to feed their fam and keep a roof over their heads. Again, I felt so alien in this environment that I just knew that I have to be out there, what doing yet I am unsure.

When I look back on this summer I’ve been shown what I can’t tolerate, what I don’t want & at times, what actually repulses me (ha).

On Holiday in Marbs I saw a lifestyle that just could never make me fulfilled in any way. I somehow know that this was ‘the flows’ way of telling me – ‘well in gal, you are on the golden path to a life where you can feel at peace with yourself and others around you.’

And then in this job I was made aware by this invisible but very beautiful ‘flow’ just how I wouldn’t ever want to settle for a career that doesn’t push me to my highest and best. One which will push me to the max but fulfil me the most.

The road less travelled is definitely being paved for me guys.

I’m filled with this warmth because lately I’ve realised that it’s beginning to get easier for me to follow this path. One that feels right to me rather than just ‘doing a subject because I didn’t know what else to do.’ I find it so unfortunate now more than ever that young people are rushed into decisions from like 15?!? How the fuck are we supposed to know at that age where life is gonna take us?

We run then completely blind. We are forced to haphazardly make choices. Quick quick quick you’ll fall behind if you don’t. Then bam. Unhappiness at 40 when sat in an office feeling so alien to yourself and your purpose. This disconnection is why our society is rampant with anxiety, depression & stress disorders and I think we could be very close to exposing it.

So this is why it’s incredible to feel so connected and aligned so young! It’s something that plagues humans and I can’t believe I grasp such difficult existential questions. Clarity is hard to come by and this is why I forgive myself at times when I just can’t comprehend this world.

I created this connection myself and anyone can. I think part of my purpose lies in letting others know that this is 100 million percent possible – it’s self love at it’s most beautiful!

As I bravely pursue my purpose which I now know few get to obtain, I see that during this time of alignment people who are willing to help me stay in this ‘highest and best’ state appear! When the student is ready, the teachers appear and I’m so in the flow that I see this now. There is a certain knowing that I am supported and I am ready now, no longer questioning myself.

I just trust that I am on the way to living my life from such a place of love.

So all in all, in divine timing once again all of a sudden everything makes sense. I feel like over these past few months I’ve been knocked from pillar to post. At times so lost, anxious and confused but these times bring me here! To a place of deep knowing – everything just seems to makes sense!

This is why I feel ready to take on the next phase of my journey, now I believe no longer a girl, but as a woman in tune to the flow and invested in the wonders of divine timing 💖

I always said I wouldn’t get tattoos until things were clear and I knew exactly what they meant to me. So I’m feeling so alive with purpose that I got this one yday before flying the next:-

Insta caption says it all here 👇🏼

I know a lot of people are moving away today/this weekend so just want to say; please take a moment to bask in, enjoy, relish just what got you to this moment. The strength in you, the love in you, the dark parts of you.

I looked in the mirror this morning doing this and I feel just, different, ready, confident!

Speak to ya on the flip side,

Love love love!

Mia X

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Just a Girl Ready to Go it Alone

Hey my loves,

I once again feel like I’m in a reflection period. Hopefully embracing the uncertainty of the big changes to come (flying the nest and spreading my wings hehe) they’re both cliches but it’s true and maybe the scariest time of my life.

What was previously just an idea, ‘ah if I get into uni’ is now well and truly my reality and I couldn’t be prouder to look back at what I’ve achieved. It’s a story of a girl that once didn’t believe she would ever be strong enough to go it alone and experience life with no familiarities around her.

It’s been a hell of a ride and one lately with not much balance, the feelings of doubt still crush me, anxiety can crush me still BUT I think I am ‘that girl’ that just takes life on and I certainly am ‘that girl’ that just goes for it.

Lately moving away makes more sense. I’m at a cross road where I can see a road to growth and one where I can focus more on myself. The thing is with me, I take on the emotions of others so effortlessly.

It’s no longer a burden on me because empathy led to finding my passions in life but this wanting to help, wanting to listen & be constantly emotionally invested can mean that people spill their relationship issues, their insecurities and fears onto me. Sometimes forgetting that I have my own to battle too. I say that it’s ok because I understand but I’m not gonna lie, lately carrying baggage can lead me to a place of loneliness once again.

It’s a loneliness I can track back to being the youngest daughter and the kid that just didn’t mind being alone at that.

As I reflect once again, I feel current emotions and I look at what got me to this juncture. Of course I am here because of my mums strength as well as my own. As adult life beckons I feel as if I owe a thank you to you mum and it’s a message to all women and mother’s also :))

Us women are queens and events I experienced this summer made me realise how so.  From listening to a pack of sleazy arseholes in boat shoes in Marbella to realising unrealistic standards I place on myself through no fault of my own and recognising a passion for equality and us women that makes me feel so alive and so with purpose in a world that too often makes me feel like a useless, deep piece of shit.

So mum, I recognise that you have been in emotional turmoil lately and I recognise this because it’s consumed me as well as you. But I hope after all you see your worth, the worth you want me to believe in but mirrored in you. Wow how far we have come Hayls.. From a time where I could barely look at you, a time where I felt like I lost it all and I’m sure you did too, to now. Where we live together, not just in the sense that we are under the same roof now but in the sense that we understand life together. We feel our way through and you allowed me to see that this is the way to live the most fulfilling life and a life where I can be at peace with me as I am.

You went above and beyond to regain our trust. You showed us that when you’re wrong it’s ok as long as you simply (not simple at the time) take responsibility and say ‘I am sorry and I’ll make things right.’ You showed me vulnerability before I even fully understood the concept and now I see that this is unconditional love. The kind of love that a mother holds and therefore every woman has within them. I can access it at anytime and I am learning how because I discern how it feels to be on the receiving and I will work hard to make sure I can live whole heartedly to make sure my children feel the same too.

Our relationship with you hasn’t been without its down moments but the bravery you show mum to keep working on relationships in your life tells me that I am on the right path.

This summer had it’s way of haunting me emotionally with all the time in limbo but one thing is for sure, I am experiencing a time of understanding myself and my journey more than I thought I ever could. Again I see that my calling lies in helping others, it lies in the want to understand social issues and why I wish to change the way society runs – even if it means having the smallest impact on others.

This summer has confirmed that I am on my way to living a life by this calling and passion and again mum, you have allowed me to see that being imbalanced is ok as long as I understand why. Holding so much feminine energy; the ability to be open, to know that I need to put my happiness first, to be intuitive and to be able to UNDERSTAND. It’s all me!

I think I am owning my femininity because I am passionately living out my legacy and consciously creating a path, career and life which will take me to peace and happiness and all things vibes. Once again reflecting on my relationship with my mum I feel incredibly guided by something larger than myself. In divine timing and as I am due to not see you for a while mum (omg despair for us both haha) I see that our love is infinite and even though you won’t be with me physically, our spiritual bond is something that’ll get me through times where I may feel alone.

I am starting to feel feminine grace. I am loving being a woman and everything that comes with it (when I look past the shit we deal with day to day). I am starting to feel an internal radiance about going it alone.

All the work we do on ourselves is why I feel so deserving of a new beginning and a fresh outlook on life without anything holding me back.

Carry on slaying queens and mum, I owe it to you. ❤️👑❤️👑❤️👑❤️

                                                                  QUEEN

All my love,

Mia

It’s My Time

Hey everyone,

GUESS WHO GOT THE RESULTS SHE DESERVED AND IS OFF TO SHEFF?!?!?

That’s right hunnies. I believe my exact words when I opened the envelope were, “I’ve fucking done it!!!!!!!!” (I can’t even remember saying it but it does sound like something that’d come out of my mouth ha).

From that moment on it’s been a blur of emotions. Hugging my mum and sister whilst they’re in tears thinking I should be the one bloody crying, then my fave teacher running over to give me a hug and to congratulate me. I guess I deserve this and the reactions from these people said all that to me. This is my achievement and I deserve the good times and the eye opening times that are on the way.

As I reflect on the end of this chapter I literally feel at peace with my demons for a sec.

Of course I’m still anxious, that will never go away and I’ve come to realise that that’s ok. It’s in my nature to care so much about how I feel and the way I make others feel that sometimes I’m stunned into silence by the feelings I feel. With Uni and freshers now on the horizon I just hope I can let go a little. I feel it’s my time to just live. To focus on me and my growth, even more so than ever. It’s about my path to self discovery and purpose with nothing holding me back and no distractions to throw me off. It’s well and truly just Sheffield and me..

It’s my time because I worked hard to get to where I am.

It’s not just the results, even though they made the 2 year slog pretty special. It’s the heightened emotional awareness of these past two years, the eye opening awareness of fears but understanding why they’re there. I’ve been pushed by situations, by people, by the system and it has brought me to a place where I know I can tackle life alone. I have the strength and the wisdom now and I know this because I’m still here after the turmoil. I will always make it through and I look forward to the further knowledge and experience that awaits me.

Another thing I experienced in this last week that I just CANNOT seem to get my head around was the mighty Richard Ashcroft and Liam Gallagher gig I was lucky enough to witness.

And what a way to celebrate and allow my results to set in. From start to finish I felt infinite. Soft souls like me often crave escape from the harsh world we live in. Sometimes it makes sense like it did on Saturday. I truly felt a certain togetherness that I feel so far away from most of the time in life.

Every word was so poignant for me. From ‘Happiness coming and going” In ‘Lucky Man’, which hit home big time as I couldn’t relate more to the way happiness is an uneventful subject at times for me. Sometimes it’s there, sometimes it just isn’t. It’s weird that I understand at such a young age that happiness definitely is something in your own place as Ashy sings to us.

I believe it’s my time now to regain some balance. I’ve been so up and down lately, waiting and struggling to find an even plane that I kinda just hope things settle within me for a while. I will find my way whilst throwing myself right out there, I just know it!

Every song hit me anyway and without taking you through each lyric and why, I can tell you It felt like I was meant to be there, for sure. I felt something within my soul and I just felt the most alive I’d ever felt. From feeling so alien in Marbella, to feeling the biggest sense of belonging and ability to be myself just over a week later just shows how I really do experience the bittersweet symphony of life ( 😉 ) and it’s paradoxes of late.

Liam G truly made me feel like a Rock n Roll Star and I’m still on cloud 9 from the experience. I take on the feelings of others and I know that now fully. So the energy exchange between him and us well and truly makes me feel lucky to experience love, excitement, togetherness and to feel all this makes me feel so alive.

Each song seemed to roll into the next and to me it felt other worldly to see and listen to two idols of mine close the night singing ‘Live Forever’ and whilst on the shoulders of a complete (lovely) stranger, looking around at others, I just knew that we would never forget how that moment made us feel.

So together, so the same as one another, FUCKING BIBLICAL BASICALLY.

I believe I can experience this again when I can dance my free spirited heart away on those September Yorkshire nights. 💃🏼💃🏼💃🏼💃🏼

It all seems so right and written now.

It’s my time to go it alone and allow myself to experience more times of joy and vulnerability. To feel is to be so alive right now and to know at the end of this juncture that I have felt so incredibly guided by something larger than me and my life makes me feel strong. I know that I have the power to walk/swagger (lol) and dance down the road less travelled.

I know that my last blog was a tough one. It was painfully honest and tough for me to write which made it tough for you guys to read also. Well, I hope after this one you understand that your soul is a guesthouse. Sometimes the shame, the guilt, the anxiety comes to visit but around the corner there is joy again, clarity comes back.

This is life and in feeling is where the beauty lies.

So I’m not such a sad soul after all, I promise ya. I just feel things, deeply. As soon as I saw the bravery in feeling, the path cleared for me and being such a softie became a gift.

The universe made me see that Sheff is the place for me and I was made to see that my passion lies in a subject that makes me feel so fulfilled.

Life does make sense and I deserve this.

IT’S MY TIME !!!! 🙂

Lots of love,

Mia XX

I Am What I Am

Hey everyone from sunny Marbella! ☀️☀️☀️

It’s so beautiful here although what is strange is the way that the overall vibe and way of the place made me feel to begin with.

Sunday night we had to be at the airport for 4:30am so we left home at 3:30. Only having 3 hours of sleep which isn’t good for me. Being sleep deprived meant feeling worked up, anxious.

I arrived in Marbs at 11 ish feeling down, aggy and frustrated by the fact I can never ever sleep on planes. So on the way to the hotel I drifted in and out.

I usually know when a panic or a lapse in my usual upbeat self and mood is coming. We got back to the hotel after a night of delicious food and only a few drinks at Puerto Banus harbour. I felt totally drained and let down by the place, this made me feel guilty as my sister who is so genuine, open and glamorous loved it. I saw something within my sister that I lack. An ability to not feel the need to compare herself to others. ‘If they stare so what?‘ She’d say to me and ‘it’s their insecurity not yours‘.

I dress differently and I love that but sometimes I forget to own it. I let others take away my power to walk so care free like my sister does. She simply does not give a fuck if you’ll excuse my language lol. That’s so amazing and I’m so grateful for Kasia because she’s made me see a new insecurity within me and has helped me and supported me endlessly to just ‘be’ and not want to change or alter. I feel as though I don’t belong sometimes. It makes me anxious but it’s nonsense. I am what I am and I am free to be me, anywhere!

What got me down was the yachts parked up, the Bentley’s and the Lamborghini’s. The Porsche’s and the Mercedes G Wagons that aimlessly (to me) parade round whilst tourists and ‘people like me’ who don’t want to appear to be tourists people watch. Unsurprisingly, the drivers were all upper class men who feel the need to parade their wealth. It made me so uncomfortable to be around the pretence made me feel inferior, only because I allowed it to of course but as I get to know myself more I realise what triggers this loneliness within me.

Why couldn’t I just ignore it? Why do I let the obnoxiousness of the more privileged get to me? When I see the inequalities in the world I can’t help but feel like this is so unfair. I am so lucky to have what I have and to come on holiday don’t get me wrong but I don’t feel at home in a world where there is messages that all this and more will make you happy.

I said to my mum that I felt like a burden to her for the first time on Monday night. I sat on my bed and cried because I felt so small and alien, feeling like a fraud because all that I preach felt so distant from me. I had allowed myself to react this way instead of taking it all with a pinch of salt. This is Puerto Banus after all.

I don’t wish to compete in life. With wealth or how my life looks from the outset. I should love myself more because I dare to be different. I want less than society tells me I should demand to want. A want is a hole and a lack & I am lucky enough to be aware of this. In these past few days I’ve come to understand that I’m complete without all the possessions.

What if it’s ok not to measure my life and my happiness on material things? I believe I came complete. We all do, did and will continue to. Somewhere along the line we were encouraged to buy stuff to make ourselves feel happy. I don’t wish to live like this and I believe this is a distraction from truth.

Whilst being here I’ve realised the beauty in a certain simplicity. A day on the beach listening to the sea (but not really getting in because the thought of something touching my feet scares the shit out of me), having the time to read books from start to finish without distraction and also having a break from what was becoming toxic – Facebook is no longer on my home screen, Twitter was beginning to drain me so that’s gone too. The negativity surrounding results day keeps appearing and I get dragged in so it was bye bye for now. The modern world tires me in truth, sometimes I enjoy disconnecting.

All that upset me on Monday; the feeling of inferiority against an image of perfection, the worry of not having a ‘beach body’ when the beach doesn’t give a flying fuck about your body because it’s a beach. The exhaustion of such a long day made me question how far I’ve come of late and made me feel lost in overwhelming anxiety again.

Sometimes life takes you one step forward and two steps back. But at least I know what works for me now. This simplicity and the ability anxiousness gives me to feel and love is deeper than any other feeling I’ve experienced. I can feel connected but then I can feel so very alone – life is full of paradoxes like this. The beauty is in the uncertainty for me at the moment.

I’m tired of not feeling enough just because I see the world differently. I value my uniqueness and I can enjoy the beauty of this world. This includes the parts that exuberate pretence. I won’t let that take away who I am.

I realise I can write my way out of any lul. On Monday I didn’t feel at home in my chest. It was scary to feel so lonely surrounded by the people I love.

The thing is, I forgive myself for being so gentle and receptive to the way I feel and for now I take comfort in knowing that I can feel and face the sometimes frightening reality of my own emotions.

Here’s a pic of us (last night) tekkin the mick right out of the pretence. Not getting too bogged down in it for now!

I am what I am!! : )

All my love,

Mia ❤️

We All Have a Hunger

Hey everyone!

I think there’s always a reason why a song hits you and has such an impact on you. For me at the moment (and as all my indie queens and kings will know from the title) I am literally OBSESSED with Florence + The Machine’s new album ‘High as Hope’ and I have ‘Hunger’ on repeat right now. I’ve always loved the honestly and starkness of her lyrics. I’m so drawn to the vulnerability she manifests in her lyrics as being vulnerable appears in various areas of my life.

Florence aimed to connect us all with ‘Hunger.’  There’s no denying that we all feel it. This at times agonising hunger for love, connection & acceptance. At some point we feel almost lonely with a longing for love. It’s strange how we can feel so alone but once Florence puts this into a song I guarantee we all begin to recognise that it’s a universal feeling.

For a gal like me that hasn’t experienced romantic love as yet, just lately I do feel within me a doubt in why I’m not like other people my age in the way that people seem to already be experiencing relationships and heartbreaks. I’ve noticed trickling doubts beginning to flutter around in my mind. “Should I already have experienced romantic relationships? What am I missing out on? Should I be more interested in wanting ‘that’?” For the first time in my life I’ve actually noticed a want for a connection with someone other than myself.

This idea of loneliness and a want for a hollow part of our soul’s to be filled by someone else is the message for me in ‘Hunger’. I pick up messages in songs and this one through Florence’s music, has made me realise that this new feeling of longing is OK as long as I recognise that love I sometimes crave, love that’s true, can’t be found externally to me. I am the only one who can supply this love first and it always has to come from me. Now I don’t see any other way but to keep loving myself for all that I am before I can even comprehend a relationship.

When I have seen people I love heartbroken over romantic love; my sisters, my dad, my friends, I always see that the heartbreak very often lies beneath all of this. Heartbreak often unveils a lack of self love and the idea of self love is something too big to grasp at times. Often we look back and realise it’s the answer. I have felt it myself through the split of my parents – it made me realise that I could only heal myself if I made steps forward toward accepting and ‘loving’ the heartbreak I went through.

What I have recently come to grasp in recent challenges is that I am understanding love in a different way. This is something not many people come to ‘get’ or it is certainly something that can take years to come to terms with because love is more vast than just romantic love, I believe love is just what we are and we always have to turn ourselves back to it. I’m still baffled with how I do know so young and as said above it can be kinda isolating as it makes me struggle to find those who I can connect with on a deeper level and a lot of people consider me bat shit crazy.

The truth is I think I got tired of trying to impress the world.

The risk to remain small was more painful for me than it was to be completely honest with myself about how I feel and what I truly believe in. I never want to fit in and play it safe with relationships that will not serve me. To me, no love other than the one I create myself can fill any voids within me. The normal world gets bored of me in this way and I feel like anyone wishing to live differently is made to feel lonely by this harsh world we live in.

However, In living to love myself rather than worrying about if the world or if others will love me or accept me, I am at a stage of being fine with wanting something different than others my age. In life as well I’d rather be happy and love myself than seek love in money success or social status (things that don’t serve me spiritually). I feel more fulfilled than ever in this way. Being open and honest about how I’m feeling, I find love in an intimacy between me and like minded individuals. Connections in me and others come when telling my own story. We find connection, joy and love through this and this love again, is one I only could find inside.

I don’t fear solitude anymore and I don’t starve myself of this feeling of loneliness. It has helped me to overcome this idea of the world not accepting me, this society not accepting me. It’s clear to me that It’s OK not to be hooked up by now and defined by a relationship – this doesn’t feel natural to me at this moment and I feel so comfortable with living to my own values and living in my own understanding of love.

It seems alien to me to need to feel completed by someone else. Yet, I can’t deny that I don’t sometimes live in this wonderment of “ahhh it’d be so much easier if someone else told me I was beautiful and worthy of love”. Then I wouldn’t have to work so hard to make myself believe it. But this makes it more worth it, when love comes from you and you work at this feeling of knowing you deserve to be loved, it’s not as heartbreaking when others don’t love you the way you wanted them to because you love yourself enough to know it wasn’t meant for you.

When romantic love does come around I will try not to be afraid to put myself out there. The real me and all that I have to give will be out in the open as it is when I write. When I love, I give my all because I believe we cannot avoid hurt and we can’t avoid being tested to reach our highest and best.

I feel this hunger but it’s something I shouldn’t try to escape from. In understanding the infinite and deep meaning of self love I get that other people’s issues are not my issues. I do tend to absorb or try to help people but it’s too difficult for me to find balance lately in doing so.

This hyper vigilance and constant awareness of how I feel can get me down but it’s the greatest because I know where I’m at and I know what will bring me down and lift me up, set me back and throw me forward. I’m not as social as I thought hence why writing is cathartic and so is meditation and music.

The most immense act of self love for me at moment is knowing that I have the courage to face my challenges and I’m trying to only tolerate what serves me. Inviting love to enter my life more fluidly. In this I’m happy with me. I do what I can to live and love.

I have to leave others to their journey. In realising this I feel happier X a million. Also choice of words is so important – I’m not ‘getting out of here’ or ‘running away‘ from anything when I go to Uni. I am simply following my path to my future and purpose. When I come home I’ll continue to love.

I’m not looking for escape or love where I may not find it. I have noticed in family members that alcohol is a way to escape, numb and find love. It’s why I don’t enjoy drinking copious amounts because I know that the next day I emotionally hang. It’s not nice and sets me back to isolation and anxiety. This hyper vigilance is a demon when I’m self destructive but when I choose to love and grow, it’s the greatest gift of all.

Sooo, I feel that me and Florence are similar in the way we deal with being so porous. She says things she never thought she’d say in her songs especially in this album, which I think is why I’m drawn to it at this stage in my life. Once again showing me that making yourself vulnerable is the purest way to get across a message.

She is embracing her vulnerabilities in highlighting this hunger we all feel to be completed or loved and I am expressing my vulnerabilities more and more now in the ways I can 🙂 I adore it when people make themselves open for all to see, which is why I’m going to carry on because I can’t believe how wonderful I feel when I just put myself out there.

My feelings are safe in this blog. I feel like I shouldn’t share the things I share and that’s exactly why I should. I am loving living with nothing buried, escaping nothing. It’s a way of loving me for all that I am!

Image result for florence welch dancingShe totally confirms that I’m so true in what I am living by right now, the universe is hopefully telling me to keep at it I hope?

Whatever way you can practice loving you – do it! It’s the most worthwhile thing you can do to create a shift in your happiness! 😊❤️😊❤️

Love love love,

Mia x x x

Standing In My Truth Through Challenging Times

Hey my lovelies!

These past few days I’ve been attempting to make sense of my current challenges and I’ve taken a sec to own how well I have put myself first for once. It’s something difficult that took me a while to get but it’s what I needed to do in an attempt to bridge the gap between me and my happiness.

Something has been holding me back. 

I guess exams and the elation of completing them buried the deep awareness I had of a situation that had been eating away at me for a while. It’s never easy when you choose to evolve and embrace change to accept people in your life that tend to live in fear of change and do not want to grow, it frustrated me. This is not the way I am choosing to live but it’s ok if others do.

I’ve learnt now that it’s ok for me to speak up, to try and demand alterations in situations that are making me unhappy. So, I started by making changes to how I saw relationships in my life. How we see things is often half the problem and I chose to look at this person differently in an attempt to salvage the strong relationship we once had. To make this change I listened to people who value my truth and also my intuition which was faintly sighing at the way I’d suppressed this before now. (I’m being hard on myself here)

I forgive myself because I am only human. Sometimes we want to refuse the way we feel and in this case it was so I didn’t hurt the person holding me back spiritually. My intentions are always good but when relationships get unhealthy for my well-being and it’s not easy at all to just cut them out I had to take a step back and realise that I need to stop suppressing how I truly feel about them and how the situation was holding me back.

What I know about myself now is that I wish to go it alone with my feelings. I think this is why I have gotten to know myself to the extent that I understand my own strength – this is beautiful! It makes me feel empowered to know that I can overcome things but going it alone is not always the best way.

We sometimes need to accept help. I’ll admit I needed a wake up call because I don’t always notice when I am carrying too much on my shoulders – when things become too much and they don’t make sense, it’s a time to stand in my truth and speak up. Even when it’s uncomfortable to do so, I  have to tell people how I feel. In this case I’d never really experienced vulnerability like it. Since my blog on vulnerability and feeling exposed, more and more opportunities to be seen emotionally have arisen. When I didn’t see the change that I’d hoped for from this person, I had to step in for my own sake.

I struggle to vocalise my feelings. Weirdly, I’ve always found writing them down simpler. It’s a way for me to vent, like therapy to me. So, I wrote a letter to this person. I did it for me so that I know I did all I could to get this worry off my back.

I put myself out there completely. Again, totally vulnerable and exposing how I have also been at fault and how I truly believe that this situation is holding me back from the contentment I want to feel at this point in my life. With moving away because of Uni round the corner now I know this was the right thing to do so I could make honest decisions that went with what my heart told me. I make all decisions based on my heart and my intuitive knowing so writing a letter felt right. It felt like a weight lifted even before I sent it. This was my final straw and the courage of making myself heard is something I can be proud of, one of my greatest achievements so far I felt.

We can’t make someone else make effort, we can’t wake someone else up to their actions. Despite all this, it’s important that I chose to make a decision for the benefit of myself and my energy. I couldn’t go on allowing old situations to continue hurting me. But we can make meaningful choices for the benefit of our own mental health and this has definitely sent my growth in the right direction.

This may inspire others to want to change; it may not. Either way I honored the most important relationship I will have in my life and that is the one I have with myself.  I’ve learned that my wanting and willingness to understand others will not make others want to do the same, they may continue to judge and criticise no matter what I do. Therefore the best way to accept and understand people and the way they behave is to breathe, take a step back from the chaos of thought and choose to communicate my feelings and current challenges. I did this and I know now that this is how I can accept the relationship in a new light and live to the truth in my heart.

If I didn’t know it already, I have now realised that life is purely a series of challenges. The challenges are worth the possible pain, heartbreak and temporary sadness as all my challenges so far have pushed me to places of joy and growth that I would never have reached. If we’d never known sadness, we’d never know joy and that’s so profound.

It’s crazy how I sense internal changes at the moment. I am increasingly aware, even a week on from last talking to you that spiritual growth is happening now. The deeper I get into this ‘awakening’ or state of understanding myself and my fire of longing for truth, the more supposed ‘shitty’ situations and feelings arise. The more that challenge me and my knowing how to deal with them, make me understand my authenticity and my strength. There is a misconception with realising your truth and living whole heartedly – owning your story and learning you’re enough.

One of many myths is that life will be continuously fluffy and harmonious from the word go. Another is that your life will be rid of negativity and thirdly, with increased awareness of noise in your head: doubt, worry, insecurity is replaced with clarity, love and peace – straight after your magical realisation.

Straight of the bat no.  Awakening and being a spiritual Earth dweller is sometimes painful. It makes you feel alienated and sometimes so alone with how to cope with all the ‘shitty’ feelings that arise. The deeper you seem to get to know yourself, actually the harder you have to work to find the courage to face your insecurities head on and make changes with the relationships that are making you unhappy. After realising my truth I still often experience crippling introverted phases and feelings of uncertainty. This is when you know it’s real and it’s made to bring you total inner strength.

To me, to live is to grow, to grow is to change and the way to change is to keep learning and to stay curious. The way to learn is to expose ourselves and embrace the uncomfortable of learning to leave our insecurities behind when saying how we truly feel. So, I’ve learned if I want to see change, I must throw myself out into the open and leave all insecurities at the back gate. This is how we live truly in our hearts and this is how we get to living as the greatest versions of ourselves.

This is really how I wish to live – knowing my power lies in throwing myself out in the open for everyone to see. (even the critics)  : )

Lots of love as always,

Mia XXX

Life In Limbo

Hey everyone, hope you’re all enjoying the sun & vibin’ high!

Lately I am really valuing the alone time and the refresh and reflecting time I can have whilst spending quality time to myself. Right now I’m sat in Cafe Nero, a few months ago I’m sure I couldn’t have just come to a coffee shop to blog alone. I didn’t have the time but also didn’t really have the confidence to. It’d be a mean feet as I’d be anxious about the interactions and the vulnerability of feeling alone and being so conscious of what’s going on around me. To you It may sound silly, but to me honestly, it would’ve sent me into panic. Today I feel a calm in just sitting and watching the world go by around me, answers seem to come in the silence.

So, It’s the summer between Sixth Form and University and It already feels strange to be so free. There is most definitely a strong foreboding of change. We’ve all had stages where we don’t know whether we are coming or going because life is on uncertain ground. We are in between phases but there is beauty in this uncertainty – let me tell you!

Externally it’s a slow change. With time off until the middle of September, however within me, the change is noticeably rapid. The more I am gaining confidence and embracing my vulnerabilities and my supposed imperfections, the more I see that I am in fact growing out of this place now. When I was sitting my A levels I had a deep knowing that change would come around fast and I’d feel ready for the next step of my journey for sure. I now know that this summer – If I can hold faith in the universe to prepare me for the change to come – there’s nothing to worry about at all. I believe this so strongly as I have been shown over this last few years that you only get thrown at you what you can endure and grow from. So much so that I know if you can endure pain and sadness, It is in fact the quickest way to change and in turn, come to understand what is inside you and the potential you hold.

As Uni approaches and Sheffield beckons me, I knew that people I thought were closest to me may go their own way and possibly reconnect with me further down the line. Friends disperse and there is trust within me that those who add value to my life will stick around and those that take but are not willing to give may need to be let go of for me to really grow and be in the place I need to be, ready for the upcoming change and total new experiences.

It’s clear to me now that maybe this summer is all about living more in my truth than ever before. It’s about focusing on the people that put in the same amount of energy into relationships as I do. It’s about holding the courage to know that it’s ok to be a lone wolf and it’s ok to give but there’s a line to which this becomes draining and detrimental. I realise that as I am getting to know myself more & more, I notice who I would rather be around and give my love to, the people who choose to evolve and the people who may not realise it, but are choosing to remain.

At the moment for me there is no choice but to evolve. I mentioned this in my last post but it is genuinely the way I am. I notice sometimes the same situations, routines and patterns do continue to show up in my life. I have undoubtedly fell out with family members and talked myself into the idea of forgiving them but another situation would arise where I’d notice that I clearly hadn’t forgiven them. When you’re in the evolve mindset, you notice these patterns reoccurring and you have the gut feeling to do something to change it. Sometimes it’s harder than others to swallow the pride of wondering why people don’t go about things how I would and how I could feel this hurt from someone else’s actions. The thing is, not everyone sees life how I do and It’s hard to come to terms with. But within this time of rapid change and time alone with myself and my thoughts, I get that I need to forgive people for not living up to my expectations. People who don’t feel the same about life as I do I often feel distant from, It’s hard when it’s someone you were once closest to but it’s a lesson for me not to hold expectations because this is when disappointment arises.

People disappoint us when we hold an ideal of how they ‘should’ be. I keep repeating this but, as I get to know myself more, I am having to get to grips with the idea that I can’t control how others think. Some will not be accountable, they will try and pin blame and use a bad day at work as a scapegoat for how they’ve really upset me however I can’t control situations and how others act. However, I can choose how I react and I can choose to evolve even if someone just wants to carry on repeating and re living the same cycle of negative in their lives. People are asleep to the fact that life doesn’t have to be this way.

It’s draining for me as a really aware spiritual person, to see people do this. I often feel like I want to help them see – I know I really can’t do this now. I have to focus on my life and how I can continue to be at one with my highest self and purpose.

In turn, I accept the situations that are not really serving me because they do not have to hold me back but they can teach me how I really don’t want to behave in the future. I would rather live a life in love and in my heart, than a life in my head. I can’t imagine not being so grateful for life and not noticing the little things in life that are beautiful.

This summer I am choosing to continue to live on the path of rapid self discovery. I am going to continue to choose to evolve. I’d rather let go than resist, choose love over fear in situations and of course owning up to times when I should be accountable and admitting when I may be wrong about things. This is the most beautiful thing about living in vulnerability too as I don’t really care if I’m wrong about things or if I fail or make mistakes. This is when you learn the most and you realise that you’re only human after all. Life doesn’t have to be perfect, we don’t have to live to ideals.

Life has become lighter since I started doing this. I have connected with an inner strength that I don’t think I could ever deny myself of now. This strength cannot be found externally to ourselves and when I have felt disappointment, it’s often when I have let myself believe that someone else has the key to give me strength or contentment. When situations repeat, I came to realise that my soul is a garden and only I can plant the flowers and water them to make them grow. Nobody else has that power and when you trick yourself into thinking they can, you feel sad, you feel disappointed. Change comes around when you trust the knowing of situations as a way to evolve. This is the key to living your best life and being totally authentic, 100% Mia.. : )

Accepting the ‘In Limbo‘ phase – the space to enjoy life without stress of exams or deadlines but also to often be reminded of the fear of results day and the rapid changes ahead, has allowed me to see that there’s no denying that I am worthy of this continued happiness within me.

It’s time to say ‘I am worthy of knowing that I am ready for change.’ The blocks between me and clarity of this come when I feel like I’m not worthy of the desired outcome. SO I am ready for Uni and all it has to bring to my growth and I am worthy of the new found strength and calm within me. This is giving me the best vibes for the future of going it alone and throwing myself out of the safety bubble of home.

I already feel powerful. Uni is gong to heighten this and make me feel even more so.

It will give me freedom and release from old routines and patterns that are possibly holding me back. New situations are arising in perfect timing to help me see that I need to trust the universe and its timing. Meeting someone from my course and clicking straight away with her is total confirmation that I am worthy of the connections and new beginnings now. (Hey Meg).

I feel like Sheffield is totally meant to be now more than ever. It’s so clear. This is giving me a new faith that I’m on the right path. People who love sociology care and just seem to ‘get’ stuff. I believe in good omens and meeting Meg is definitely one. We both seem to care about the same issues and seem to totally have an open outlook on life. The excitement to meet more people who I can connect with on this level is real now. I realise that once we live in truth we meet others doing the same – so bring on Uni.

I know and feel strongly that Sheffield will bring me out of my shell further so I can be the greatest version of me possible!

Whilst I am lone wolfing it at the moment, my instincts and intuition are clearer than before. This then paving the way for total discovery and contentment which could be absolutely amazing. This summer will prepare me for the changes to come and I know I am exactly where I need to be once again.

So thanks for guiding me, universe. : )

All my love and remember to LOVE no matter what, with all that you’ve got!

Mia Xx